A Cheng of Events

So it’s 4:17 am in the quiet lounge, and I’m listening to “With Everything” by Hillsong to try to stay awake and not fail my two tests tomorrow. I’m thinking to myself, why did I procrastinate this much, why didn’t I start studying earlier. Other than the fact that I couldn’t have started earlier cause I already did start pretty early (early for me that is), I realized that I didn’t really have much motivation to study. I don’t know why I’m working this hard, for what purpose I was depriving myself of sleep and studying (probably overstudying at that) for my classes. What is my motivation to continue? So I sit here for a while thinking about that. I already knew the answer. I want to get better; I want to be good at ________, but at the same time, I don’t want to put effort into it. Only if I’m able to be good at something without putting effort into it will I be able to satisfy my pride. I shouldn’t have this pride in the first place, I shouldn’t want to do anything for self gain. I should study because it is glorifying to God. Everything should be given to God, pride included. I guess that’s why the lyrics of With Everything impact me so much. Something I definitely need to work on, making God my desire for doing anything and everything. Feel free to call me out if you see me being prideful or lazy, but please, no Bible slapping. Back to studying the trend of disease and mortality rates in the world.

I was guilty of this even before posting. Before clicking the “create post” button, I toyed with the idea of posting something. I can’t make quick decisions that last because of this fault of mine, and I end up missing out on opportunities or hurting others. A very serious character flaw of mine is indecisiveness. I hate not being able to choose between two options. Being a rather timid person, I feared that any bold decisions I made would adversely affect my relationship with either party. Why was it not possible for me to appease both parties? I had done well to manage this during high school, so why was it so different in college? The answer I found was that in high school, I was involved with a single group of people that were my close friends, and there were never any conflicts. Conflicts could not occur, if there were no opposing party with which to conflict. In college however, I met many new people and these people, despite being mutual friends, had different interests. They expressed these interests in what they did, and I, wanting to establish a meaningful and lasting relationship with them, desired to spend time with them. This proved to be quite problematic seeing as to how few of those interests overlapped between friends. I soon realized that I was very incapable of managing the amount of time to allocate for my interests versus the interests of others. As a result, when unforeseen circumstances arose, I often had to cancel previous arrangements I made with friends. Of course my friends forgave me, few voiced out their feelings, but I felt a guilt and pain and knew that they felt something similar to what I felt. I vowed to try to correct this flaw of mine this year. So all of y’all reading this, please don’t hesitate to call me out when you see me being indecisive. Also, to the people that I’ve bailed/ditched, I sincerely apologize. I will try to prevent any future occurrences from happening again. Again, I’m truly sorry. I love you all. <3